i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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