I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
