Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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