Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
