Moan for me like Helen Keller
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
