i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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