my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
