life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
