Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is Oprah even human
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
