never play flip cup with pint glasses
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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