dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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