I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
