how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
