Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
