so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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