You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
