This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
