He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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