Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
