So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
