I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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