My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
