One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
