A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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