if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
