plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
