Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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