make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
