Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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