last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
