you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Actions speak louder than pants.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
