anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
pray to the hookup gods
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
