How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
