Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
