Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
a search helicopter?!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
