just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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