I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
