He had one of those small greek statue penises
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
