the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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