Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
