your parents love me but you hate me
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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