I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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