Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
