I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
