so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
