Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
