This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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