I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
