tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
