i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
