Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it was like eating out sand paper
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
