I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
