Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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