when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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